What is BDSM, Really? (and why it's not as scary as you think)

When most people hear the term BDSM, they picture whips, chains, leather outfits, and maybe a dark grimey dungeon or two. While those elements can be part of this world, it’s definitely not all encompassing. At its heart, BDSM is simply a PLAYGROUND of consensual erotic practices that help people connect more deeply, play with power, and spice up intimacy. 

The Acronym: Breaking it Down

BDSM is actually 3 facets squished into one acronym  (sometimes 4)

• B/D - Bondage & Discipline This is where ropes, handcuffs, and/or blindfolds come in. It’s about restricting movement, adding structure, playing with rules - what’s allowed and what’s not allowed

• D/S - Dominance & Submission Power exchange. While other aspects of BDSM don’t always have to be present - The Dom/Sub relationship is always alive within BDSM. One person takes the lead (Dom), the other chooses to surrender (Sub). It can be playful, ritualistic, deeply erotic, loving, or more harsh.

• S/M - Sadism & Masochism The giving or receiving of pain. Think spanking, biting, scratching, hot wax…  This is where I think most people get spooked. I’ll dive deeper into this elsewhere, but for now I want to suggest replacing the word pain with high sensation/intensity.

Common Misunderstandings

❌ “BDSM is Abuse”

The biggest myth out there. True BDSM is consensual, negotiated, and safe. Everyone involved agrees on the rules and boundaries of the space. Consent, trust, and communication are the foundational building blocks of this world - making it the opposite of abuse.

❌ “It has to be hardcore”

Not true at all. BDSM can be as light and as playful as a cute pink blindfold and a feather tickle. Think of it like choosing how spicy you want your Thai food to be on DoorDash - you get to pick the intensity level.

❌”Only Freaky People do it”First of all, I love a good freaky weirdo. But no, not at all. Studies show that a huge portion of adults have fantasies about power, restraint, or role play in this world. People willing to explore this realm of play to find more pleasure, connection, and play, aren’t weird at all - they’re brave, curious, and explorative.

Why People Love It

✅Connection: BDSM typically demands more communication than “regular” sex. Talking about desires, limits, curiosities, and aftercare can bring couples and play partners closer than ever.

✅Playfulness: It’s literally adult playtime. Costumes, role play, “Simon Says” for grownups. It can be about fun just as much or even more than it is about actual sex

✅Variety:  If your sex life has being feeling like the same takeout meal on repeat, BDSM adds a whole new menu of flavors to explore.

The Takeaway 

BDSM isn’t always about pain, high intensity, or something “dark and scary.” (it can be, if that’s what you’re into, but that’s not the whole picture.) At its core, it’s about exploring yourself and discovering new ways of connecting with your partner.

It brings variety, play, spice, and curiosity into the bedroom, and it does it all through the pillars of consent, communication, trust, and care.

It’s not as scary as you might think… unless, of course, you want it to be 😉

The BDSM sessions I offer clients are titles Sensual Dominance. To explore booking a session with me, click here